Jamie Higgins is in a strange - and potentially dangerous - situation. He's in love with his best friend and afraid that if anyone ever found out, he'd lose everything. His community is a close-knit conservative one who take the Bible literally and condemn anyone who doesn't follow what it says exactly. Will he risk his future - and friendship - for what his heart desires?
Saint Joseph’s Preparatory School for Boys looked more like a medieval castle than a school; the first time Jamie saw it he was reminded of Hogwarts and was actually disappointed to see no headless ghosts or moving stairwells. Instead of a feeling of hope and wonder, the way he imaged the fictitious school of witchcraft and wizardry would feel, Saint Joseph’s had the distinct taste of misery and oppression within its cold, stone walls.
As he stepped off the bus he scanned the crowd of boys gathered in front of the surprisingly normal sized double doors that led to the lobby; he was anxious to see Jacob as he was really the only person he knew who made him feel unhated. Not that anyone consciously made him feel bad, and couldn’t when they didn’t know his sinful secret, but there were more anti-gay remarks assaulting him every day, especially since Donald Trump had announced his candidacy and the bigots had come out in droves to support him.
Even his own parents, who’d always claimed they didn’t hate anyone, were enthusiastic supporters all because their pastor had endorsed the angry Cheeto. Jamie didn’t see the great savior his congregation had come to see him as; he only saw the worst humanity could create every time he appeared on television and shared his hate-fueled rhetoric. Jacob’s parents weren’t as bad; they were conservatives and held the same beliefs as put down in the Republican’s backwards platform but didn’t take it as far as “ban all Muslims” and “Mexicans are rapists.”
Even being closeted and disgusted with his own sexuality, he was afraid of what the country would become if someone like Trump actually made it to the White House; he didn’t want to see non-Christian, non-straight folks hurt or worse, he just wanted everyone to be good and kind and honest. He’d attempted to speak about his concerns with his father one night only to be shut down and reminded of God’s command that he heed his father’s demands and the dire consequences that followed if he refused.
He wasn’t a glutton or a drunkard but figured it must be an appropriate verse as his father often quoted it. The mini Bible lesson was followed by a reddening of Jamie’s bare behind and tears he bled his tongue to keep hidden. He spent the rest of the night in his room and fought to keep his cries silent. It was made all the more embarrassing to be beaten in front of Jared, who just sat there as if nothing unusual happened. He was thankful his mother hadn’t been there; he couldn’t have bared it if she’d seen his naked shame, too.
He pushed aside the embarrassing memory and walked across the lot, his eyes still peeled for any signs of Jacob. He’d begun to think he’d be on his own when the intoxicating sound of Jacob’s voice caressed his ears. He spun around and saw his friend jogging toward him with a wide grin that told Jamie he’d been up late deep in sin.
“You at least catch this one’s name?” Jamie didn’t exactly approve of Jacob’s sexual antics but in no way judged him; he might even say he was envious of the freedom his best friend had when it came to his seemingly insatiable appetite.
“Tess.” Jacob slapped his arm playfully. “And I’m not that bad; I remember all my sexy time partners.”
Jacob’s smile made Jamie weak and his heart race; he reminded himself of God’s disapproval of his filthy homosexual urges and repeated the Bible’s words if a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them until the sinful desire subsided. Lord Jesus, give me the strength to fight the Devil and his unholy temptations.
“Hey, you still comin’ over tonight?” Jacob asked as he slung an arm around is shoulders and escorted him inside. “The ‘rents won’t be back ‘til Sunday night but your overprotective jailors don’t need to know; we can hang out and watch those slasher flicks you’re not allowed to know exist.”
“I, uh, I don’t know… If my mom and dad find out, I’m in deep trouble.” A savage beating, he told himself though he was too ashamed to say it out loud, even to Jacob. There were many things he didn’t tell his best friend and he wished that wasn’t so. He’d hate me, mock me… “Probably shouldn’t.”
“Aw, c’mon.” Jacob began to beg and Jamie felt his willpower fade. “I even got Devon to come and we never see him anymore, not since he enrolled in that Accelerated Education Program. It’ll be fun, like it was before high school and puberty.” As if summoned, Devon snuck up from behind and squeezed between them; he flashed a quick smile to Jamie before turning his attention to Jacob.
“So you convince the boy scout here to hang out?”
“Workin’ on it, man, but our boy’s being stubborn. Afraid mommy and daddy will be angry with him.”
“Dude, I’ve met his parents; they scary.”
Devon’s family was what their community referred to as “undercover liberals.” They were still staunchly conservative and could rail against homosexuals and other American evils as well as anyone else but didn’t feel the need to impose their views on the general public; they preferred a secular government and rarely complained about the latest liberal movements so long as none of the newly present rights minorities earned never infringed on their own.
“You really wanna disappoint our good friend, Jamie? He’s so looking forward to actually hangin’ with us. Don’t be that guy.”
He knew better than to give into peer pressure but Jacob was right’ they never saw Devon anymore and he did miss him, even if the gender roles imposed on him and his friends by their families and faith would never allow him to admit such feminine feelings. I can rebel a little, right? I’m thirteen; it’s expected. He took a deep breath and nodded his agreement.
“Well, shit,” Devon said as he squeezed his shoulder. “Who knew our boy had it in him?”
- - - -
Jacob followed Devon into the handicap bathroom, happy to have so quickly found someone to take care of the delicate condition Tess’ cruelty had left him in. With the door locked, both boys dropped their khakis to their ankles and took hold of each other’s hungry flesh. Jacob felt his body heat as another boy’s fingers wrapped around him; there was something skin-tingling erotic about the forbidden act; he could be excommunicated for simply thinking about another boy in such a fashion and the knowledge that they were committing such a grievous sin within the walls of the ultra- conservative school made it all more exciting.
As he slid his hand up and down Devon’s shaft, Jacob was transfixed on the circumcision scar he’d received only a few months prior; Devon had already turned fourteen as, as demanded by their church, had been circumcised the day after his birthday and declared a man by the congregation. Neither Jacob nor Jamie had taken that sacrament and weren’t due to until after Halloween so whenever you saw a boy who’d been cut, he marveled at how different it looked. He couldn’t wait to have it done to him and was excited Jamie would be with him when it happened.
It only took a few minutes before Jacob spilled his seed into the toilet bowl, followed moments later by Devon, whose final moan was more audible than was recommended though the thought of one of the staff overhearing and banging on the door allowed the convulsion-creating orgasm to last that much longer.
“So I take it your hot date left you high and dry?” Devon asked as he cleaned up.
“Nah, she was amazing; we went at it ‘til after midnight. But this morning she wouldn’t even look at it. Morning after tease.” He squeezed out the sticky white remains and wiped it away. “I’m tellin’ ya, dude, you totally should’ve hung around.”
“Eh, I don’t mind dick but when it’s attached to a chick… that’s all you, bro.”
After crossing streams, both boys fixed themselves up and headed for homeroom. They were in different rooms but the same wing so they kept their conversation going, in their own coded speech, until the last minute. With a nod Devon disappeared into room 311 and left Jacob to jog alone to room 315 alone.
“Where’d you go?” Jamie asked as he sat beside him. “You and Devon wandered off.”
“Had to piss.” He wanted to tell him more – everything – but feared he’d lose him once he knew the truth. Jacob had no qualms about his sexuality, he reveled in it. Jamie, he assumed, would curse him if he ever found out how flagrantly he disobeyed God’s laws, though considering all the sins Jamie knew about and still love him in spite of, he had slowly begun to wonder if he’d really be at all angry to learn about his enjoyment of boys. Maybe I should tell him tonight… “Sorry.”
“It’s cool. So should I bring anything later?”
“Nah, we got it covered. Just make sure you actually come over. No tryin’ to weasel out of our night of debauchery.” How debauched is up to you. He was hit with a flash of Jamie’s naked form, sprawled out before him, hot and ready and willing. He shivered at the sight and hoped Jamie hadn’t noticed.
“If I wake up in Hell I’m blaming you.”
Jamie flashed on of his lopsided, innocent smiles and Jacob felt the world fall away. He couldn’t believe how hard he’d fallen for the boy and as good as the idea of them seemed to him, he wished he could rid himself of those feelings. Jamie, even if he could accept non-straight folks as deserving of love, could never be one. You’ll never get beyond looking so why waste the time, he reminded himself for the umpteenth time since he realized he was bisexual – or was that pansexual as he had also been with trans folk, including gender non-conforming? – and made the decision to accept himself as not wrong or broken. The best I can hope for is he won’t hate me when – if – I tell him my secret.
- TO BE CONTINUED -