Sometimes (okay, pretty much all the fucking time) I seriously hate emotions. The pulls, the tugs, the Goddamned ties that come with the pesky shits all blow le donkey balls. And ya know what really grinds my gears? Those damn feelings always want the ones that are least deserving.
Last night, out of nowhere, turned into one of those nights. You know, where you find yourself on YouTube listening to the songs that remind of less-than-happy days? Most of you probably do and I'm sorry. And for those few who don't... fuck, you're lucky. Warning: this is about Angel so if you're sick of hearing about him, you should probably turn away now. I'll understand, really.
I've been busy lately. Who knew meeting new people would be so damn time consuming? Dark Lord knows I didn't. Really, how does anyone find time to find someone worth making a real go of it? I don't remember so many interviews before my last doomed relationship. No wonder I stick to fuck and run.
I admit it. I've been talking with Stalker again. And only Stalker. Yup, it seems I'm off-season and looking for a little one to one. It's weird, considering monogamy. I haven't had the urge for that sort of tomfuckery since the whole Scout debacle. Fucking, no good sack of shit (yea, there's still a bit of desire of sweet, sweet revenge concerning that fuck). Yet even with the long line of disappointment that is my dating history, I think I want to try this shit again
It's become one of those nights, kiddies. You know the kind I'm talking about, I'm sure. The kind where you look back on days past and remember some things you never actually forget. Well, that's what I get for reminiscing to 90's music all night.
There must be something in the air. All these no good, lousy exes of mine crawling out of the woodwork, looking for yet another go. I saidhell no to each and every one for the longest time. But, as we all know, the goddamned law of averages always wins out. And it was after numerous pleads from a certain former fun-time partner that I relented and said what the hell, let's do this. So please, welcome back... Stalker.
I would have loved to stay there, beside someone who made me feel like there was nothing we couldn't conquer. I'd love to revive what died the night I walked away and threw away any chance we had at being happy together. But I remember what drove us apart and there is no way I can go back to that... No matter how utterly amazing the good parts were.
Arch-nemesis. Believe me when I say they make life more incredibly interesting than any other single entity you could ever hope to meet. If you ask me, everybody needs at least one of these lunatic fucks in their life if just to have something to tell those later generations. Yet there came a day when my super-villain meant absolutely zip to me in the grande scheme of everything.
Oh hot damn. I finally saw a photo of my ex's current. And, oh Lord Of All That Is Unholy... Seriously, Boo? What the Hell is there that ain't a hundred times better right here
No one ever said this would be easy. Hell, no one ever said much at all about it. But while at one time it was all a massive black hole sucking the happy from the world, it's not as bad as it used to be. Yea, there are times where those cold, angry shadows show up but their really not that bad now. Those dreams still come calling and trick me into believing that you never went away but each morning I wake up and realize I was lied to. And that's alright with me. See, I like those dreams. They're created from memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.
Every so often, there are nights where the less-loved emotions course through these veins of mine. Memories of times gone by and people no longer here come to the forefront and I find myself... missing what can never be found again. At least, not for a very long time. Its nights like these that I find my solace in music, but that solace is not really a cure. No, its more like a bandage that will eventually fall away and need to be replaced.
Think back to that one perfect moment in your life where everything good aligned and no matter how hard you stared into the distance, there was no jagged edge of the world for you to fall off of. Every dream was a happy one and the best of them, the ones your heart longed for the most, came true every morning when you opened your eyes and smiled at the sleeping figure beside you. Just a look from that one and only was enough to ignite ferocious joy on even the most dreadful of days. One word uttered from their lips and you were suddenly enraptured, taking in every syllable. The slightest touch would ignite a fiery passion that all the water in the lands could not extinguish.
Good Satan, I turn [redacted] this week. While I don’t feel, act or look the big [redacted], it is in fact happening. At first, I wasn't at all thrilled with the idea, but then I realized the possibilities. A new [redacted] means old bullshit can finally, and irrevocably, be shoved down the garbage disposal. And that makes turning a new age so fucking worth it. So, without further ado, allow me to introduce… the fuck you list.
St Valentine’s Day. The one day a year when couples pretend to give a shit and singles pretend they don’t. For those seeing someone “special” February 14 is a day meant for chocolates, expensive gifts and that favorite sexual act. For singles, it’s all about proclaiming the day was created by Hallmark. Please, stop spreading that shit. It’s all about the headless horny guy.
She fucking hates me. And it feels great. Oh, yea, I should probably tell you what happened that put me in such an uber happy mood. See, the other day some [The Nice Lady] happened upon my naughtylicious space on the whore wide web and made the mistake(?) of reading more than a bit of what I wrote. And boy-o-boy did she has a point of view sharp enough to stake a vampire.
Y'know how some people keep claiming they're really gonna change this time? How everything will be different? How they've even gone so far as to throw the ones that make them so bad out the door? I know a few of them and more than once I've believed the bullshit that spews from their mouths
With the New Year here, I’ve decided there are going to be some changes made. Don’t worry, fair Stalkers, I’ll still be here trying my damnedest to keep you all entertained with this and my naughty fiction. No, the changes I’m talking about are ones long overdue for my life. It’s time to clean out the phone book again.
Another year over. What a nice feeling. A chance to bury all the bullshit of the past twelve months and set your sights on the four seasons on the horizon. Also a time for some quiet (and maybe not so quiet) reflection, if you’re into that sort of thing. Normally I don’t bother retracing my steps, but there are certain things that have yet to be said, at least in a point blank sort of way. So where to begin… Why, at the beginning. Duh.
Oh, the joys and wonders a lover on the down-low can bring. All the fuck, none of the fuss. But only if you do the wrong thing the right way. If you're here, than obviously you have decided to spread you legs and fly. By now, you should also know who it is you want filling the space you "one and only" should be filling. So, how do you go about getting your hooks into the one you find your self masturbating over?
Ah, infidelity. What word can destroy a decades old love story quicker that that one? There is none. So, why do we cheat on the ones we love? Well, there are more reasons than there are dicks in a Kardashian twat. And really, who gives a shit why? The important question is... how so we keep our indiscretions from exposure to the light of day?
I prefer to keep most people at a comfortable ten foot arm's length, unless of course, I never intend to learn their name. Seems kind of ass backwards, don't it? But given my history, or at least what y'all know of it, would you really expect anything different? Hell knows I don't.
With so much on the upswing, I have to admit that life is good. While there are still speed bumps littering the way, things are far from sucking. And being in the rather optimistic state of mind outweighs the nagging little battles going on inside. And that is why I have come to an important decision.
They are bad for you, but you allow them to take up space in your head. They only come around when they need something and you let them in time and again. The better off you are, the more time they want to spend in your presence but the minute things start to crumble, they are the first to turn tail and run. They will take everything you got but the favor is rarely returned. And for all that, we keep those jackals around. Why?
Have you ever searched high and low for the ideal person to share your self with? You look past the people all ready in your life at the one person not there hoping to see perfection somewhere off in the distance and become lost in the dream. And while you are longing for the unseen, the person holding you up and, unknown to you, is exactly what you want and, more importantly, need fades into the background until only the echo of who and what they were remains. By then, and that is always the moment we realize what we ignored, it is too late and now we are missing more than what never was.
Recently, Shrink lost her mother after a short, determined struggle. After being told Mummy was coming home, she was readmitted when doctors discovered three new infections and passed on shortly thereafter. So this week, instead of me telling you about one of the most caring (and stubborn) women I have ever known, I have asked Shrink and Geek to share, in their own words, a bit about the woman who must have been the inspiration for Everybody Loves Raymond's Marie Barone...