They are bad for you, but you allow them to take up space in your head. They only come around when they need something and you let them in time and again. The better off you are, the more time they want to spend in your presence but the minute things start to crumble, they are the first to turn tail and run. They will take everything you got but the favor is rarely returned. And for all that, we keep those jackals around. Why?
Toxic motherfuckers. You can always see that kind of person for what they are, so why not just throw them out as soon as they wander into your life? How about that cursed four-letter word? Hope. That hope that the toxic shit who seems intent on dragging you down or clinging to you as you rise up will turn out to be a not so bad kid. There is also shame; oh my god, I can’t believe I fell for this shit. Who wants to admit that? What about pity? Feeling bad for the selfish using loser? Thinking there is some deeply hidden secret to why they are a plight to decent folks?
Does any of that really matter? I think not. At least, in a perfect world (where imperfection runs rampant) is should not. But here, we have pesky little emotions that get off on pulling us from one extreme to the other. We search for the reasons why someone is the way they are… but what is the point? Again, hope; hope that things will be better tomorrow. Determination. Desire. Basically, all those things that the bad people that float in and out of your life do not deserve.
What else could it be? A subtle bout with mental retardation, perhaps? Whichever the reason, we refuse to accept that severing ties is the only logical solution to the problem of fake ass people. Especially now.
People are evicted for a reason. And it is always a damn good reason. So why do some of them come back? What epiphany shows them the errors of their way? Is there really an epiphany or is that just a word the toxic cock sucker throws around hoping to get their claws back into you?
Fuck if I know. Than again, I tend not to trust anything the returning twats have to say. If we once were close but no longer are, there is a real good chance that loss of trust was the reason for loss of me.
What makes this moment more perfect for drop kicking shitheads out of my life? Well, this. See, I have a new-ish rule: No new friends (and no returning old ones) once what I do here (hint: writing) reaches a level that tells me I will be making it to the top of this particular mountain. I have no intentions of being used for what my (fingers crossed) doors my career success will open up. And the closer I come to that goal, the less I trust the new people who will inevitably show up. And as for former friends claiming reformation? I trust that shit even less than Michael Jackson at a Chuck E. Cheese (okay, maybe I trust past people a bit more than that – I just gave M.J. way too much credit there).
Toxic. Fake. I will not be that stupid. Again.
Instead, I am going to do good for me. No excuse, no plea, no amount of swearing allegiance is going to make me change my mind. Mostly. Yea, yea, I know. I should just say fuck you across the board. But like all rules, even this one has exceptions. And those are the worst. I mean, really, are the few floaters that I kind of want in my life really worth it? Have they really changed?
Doubtful. Stupid hope. Why can’t we get immunized against that shit? Unlike other diseases, you do not build a tolerance after getting hit once. Hell, you don’t even learn! Maybe that mental retardation is more than subtle. What else explains it? Fool me infinitely and I’ll shame myself again and again.
Will not stop me, though. I know I will willingly wander into another toxic relationship and swallow the shit that spews my way. And I will give chance after chance after chance. Endless cycle. Damn it. Damn, damn, double damn.
At least I still have my cut off date. Just wish I knew when that was. Till then, I will be accepting applications for new friends and returning old ones. And yes, I will be being very particular from here on out. No need for more fake ass people.