Oh my Dark Lord, look at what is happening to this country. Those damned browned eyed heathens are getting married and having kids. Quick, someone stop them! We don’t like their kind here. Only the light-eyed are allowed basic civil rights. Says so in the Bible, somewhere so I’ve been told by some old crotchety priest with a penchant for boy flesh. And if some guy in a white collar tells me what to think, I’m sure as Hell going to fall in line.

Damn brownies. 

Now how fucking ridiculous did that read to you? All I did was replace “gay” with “brown eyed” and see how utterly stupid I sound? Why don’t all those close-minded folk see that same stupidity in themselves? At some point, one of the gay-hating fools are going to wake up and smell the amaretto, right?

Not the way this country’s headed. Every day we see more and more people, average and ordinary citizens, losing the rights that should be afforded every living American (as well as people the world over, but that’s a whole other column). I don’t know why I’m so surprised. After all, the U.S. has a long history of being bigoted and stupid. Rosa Parks should never have been asked to make room for a white passenger, but she was. Martin Luther King Jr should never have had to give his I Have a Dream speech, yet he did. The Women’s Suffrage movement should not have been a necessity, but it was.

And now, we attack the gays. And also the woman again. Did we start going backward in time? Is this not 2012? Damn it, I hate time travel. Fuck this, I want off. 

There is not one reason why any law-abiding citizen should be discriminated against. That chick who lives down the street should get equal pay and not have to jump through hoops for an abortion. A lot to ask, you say? Tough shit. How’s about we shove a coat hanger up your hoo-ha and see what it does for your internals. That black guy who lives across the street? He’s human, just like you and me. He just happens to have no need for a summer tan. And stop fucking with the queers. Let them marry and adopt and buy frilly little doilies if that’s what makes ’em happy.

Moral: Stop butting in on everyone elses shit. You look like an ass.

The fight for equality is a war that should never have been started because equality should be a goddamned given. If you stop withholding rights, no one will start marrying their Cornish hens (which, for the record, is the most pathetically useless argument against allowing Robin and Superboy from consummating their love and exchanging I dos.).

Going back to that superb opening…

Imagine being told no because of the color of your eyes, the size of your hands or the pointy-ness of your ears. Really, I can’t do that because of something I was bornWhy, yes. That is my infallible argument. You can find no fault.

Not like there’s science and whatnot involved.

In this day and age, as civilized as we’re supposed to be, how can we be such cunts when it comes to differences that, really, don’t set us very far apart? Why does one group feel the need to oppose another? I’m pretty sure there are more important things to concern our collective selves with (like, say, poverty, shitty economy, foreclosures, debt, a war that kills more people every fucking day we allow it to rage). Yet here we are, in the middle of the Middle Ages, crying about how our culture will die out overnight if a single poo-pusher is allowed to marry his special friend.

There must be something I’m missing. But what could it be? Is my brain simply too big and powerful to understand the pseudo-logic of those brave enough to fight the evils of sodomy?

Nah. I’m just not a cunt.

Will is an author and artist and producer (it’s only one indie short film but it’s on IMDB.com so it totes counts!) and founder of fetchentertainment.com and pain in the ass. He rather opinionated and has no problem sharing his thoughts on a variety of topics from the freakshow that was Election 2016 (how tf did Trump freaking win!?) to the importance of matching that belt to those shoes. He adores penguins and has a maniacal plan to use an army of them to take over the world and crown himself Emperor of All That Is (though he’d be happy with the Winter Russian Palace in what he would rename Mine!-Mine!-Mine!) but until then enjoys hiding away in his apartment and writing all sorts of tales that would worry that cokehead Sigmund Freud (really, we should believe he snorted for science!?) and drawing pictures of his creations.

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