It was a strange moment for The Boy, coming face to face with someone that, only a year ago, would have trusted with his life. Yet sitting there, looking at this person he knew so well, even after so much time had passed, he wondered if he should ever had agreed to meeting with him. There was still anger there, just under his skin; that anger wished to lash out and tear Sawyer to shreds in the middle of the baseball field.
But he didn’t. He kept the evil thoughts running through his head silent. He allowed his former best friend to speak. And he detested each and every word. But he had agreed to this meeting; he was not sure why, though. Closure? Sympathy? Curiosity? Maybe even the possibility of a return to what was? He blocked these ideas from his mind as he listened to the empty words that fell from Sawyer’s lips. He had promised both of them that he would walk into this situation with an open mind; deep down, he so wanted to believe what he was told, to take his former friend at his word. But The Boy learned the hard way that Sawyer’s word meant shit.
It saddened The Boy, seeing how far the two of them had fallen away from each other. Sawyer’s apologies for what he had done wrong (what he either remembered or admitted to himself) brought from The Boy the urge to accept all of this and say Its okay, I forgive you. But that part of him that had felt hurt and betrayed by the utter selfishness Sawyer had shown him that last time they spoke took hold of him and suddenly there was that impenetrable wall between them and those feelings of we can try this again quickly faded.
And then, The Boy realized Sawyer did not even know (remember? admit?) the single shattering action that had drove that final wedge between them. Learning that, The Boy almost walked away. If Sawyer did not know what he was seeking forgiveness for, than how little could the words really mean to him?
But he fought that urge to; he stayed and continued listening. He was hoping for the words to be said that would shift him from a feeling of hate and distrust to hopeful but cautious. For hours he waited. And never heard what he needed to hear to care about this echo fro the past.
That night, they parted ways. The Boy did not know if Sawyer would do what he promised to do nor did he expect him to. With so much time separating them from what they were, how could someone who, last The Boy knew, was so into himself that he would be willing to work at being close? The Boy did not even trust him enough to let go of the nagging thought that it was all just some set up. And he did not know he ever could.
They have seen each other a few times since then, but The Boy still has doubts; he walked away long ago and is in no rush to find himself back around people who take and take and then refuse to help in even the smallest matters.
Sawyer has (in his narrow way) tried to be a good friend, but still The Boy sees it all as a smoke screen: Sawyer wants something and The Boy wants to know what that is. He would just come out and ask Sawyer, but should he need to? Should he spend the time and energy dissecting everything Sawyer says and does? And the better question is… Does he want to?
Even through the fog of mistrust, The Boy did make one offer; a way for Sawyer to prove he is (or was – The Boy thinks that maybe Sawyer has given up) sincere. A simple thing, really, but still enough to show something beyond what The Boy believes the attempt at reconciliation comes from. And of course, Sawyer has yet to budge one it. Hence the assumption that Sawyer is only playing games or looking to use someone who was once always there.
A part of The Boy, while still filled with anger over what happened then, is hopeful, maybe only about being hopeful, but the emotion is still there. And really, can anyone demand any more? While he feels his hope of hope is as misplaced as the faith and trust he placed in Sawyer, he keeps it. He moved on long ago and is happy being minus one friend, but would welcome that one friend back only if there is evidence (the beyond the shadow of a doubt kind) that he really is who he now claims to be. The Boy remembers those same claims made before and look how that turned out.
How many times should any of us forgive and attempt to forget (and when was the last time you forgot a wrong?) and let someone back in? Should some things just fade away into the past? Of course, its only logical. But damn it if theses feelings we're blessed/cursed with don't do everything possible to fuck with our existence and push and pull us around testing the limits of our selves. I go through this, you go through this. And while all of would may want to jump off the damn train and run for the nearest sand dune to bury our heads in, we eventually turn and face out torments and listen again to the I'm sorry speech. But... should we accept?
Or is it too late?