I am a sinner. I know this is a shocking revelation, but it's true. And quite frankly, I love it. I’ve more than accepted my place in the warm and toasty afterlife. Least I know where I’m going when I die. But not all sins are created equal. And not all are necessarily evil. My favorite sin is as far from evil as possible.
Who knew, right?
The connection made during the naughtiest of extracurricular activities is unlike any other and different depending on who, what, when, where and how. In some cases, it can be an anonymous one on one between people looking for a way to know each other without needing faith or trust involved. Even last names are optional. And in times when one does not even want their best friends close, an intimate encounter with strangers is one way to fill the emptiness. But while random fuck-buddies can lead to a sweet-tasting experience, it's not the sweetest.
Strangers, friends, exes… anyone of them can give you a (partially, at least) fulfilling sexual experience. But those are all about lust, that animalistic urge that pushes each of us to take the first step in getting to know someone. Or imagine them naked. All within five minutes of first laying eyes on an attraction. I can see myself falling madly in lust with you. And by morning, you have a new notch. And another night of not feeling disconnected from the world around you.
And then you meet someone worth more than a single screw. And you realize wow… maybe there’s something beyond lust. There’s another urge; a frightening one.
It starts the same as any other sexual encounter. One person notices the other and initiates conversation. After talking comes the touching and tonguing and things unmentionable in a family friendly column, like fucking (good thing parents won’t let their kids read this stuff – it's horribly obscene). But then it gets complicated. Emotions begin to appear. And a single thought scares the shit out of you. I want to see this one again. Even scarier than that? Wanting to see someone again and body parts have yet to be uncovered.
That’s how it went with Scout and I. Our first kiss occurred after date two. Making out was date three. Sex didn’t even happen till a month into our relationship.(Relationship. No matter how many times I say that word…) And by then, I was falling deeply in like. Holy shit, I wanted more than sex. I wanted more sex. And with just one person. And every time Scout and I have sex, I find myself in like more. And that makes the sin sweeter.
Ready for another scary thought?
Last time I was with Scout, we didn’t even do nasty, naughty things. We visited with Duck and Goose to watch Pirates: Stagnetti’s Revenge (pirate porn is fucking awesome – you need to see these movies). We were snuggled happily as the nice lady took two cocks at once and I looked briefly at Scout and thought I could so fall in…
Yea, I didn’t let myself finish that. As far as I’m concerned, I saw myself falling in line. No need to complicate life further. Not yet. Not ready.
I love Scout. I also trust Scout. Unconditionally. The way I love and trust Duck, Goose, Tweety, Big Red, Shortstack. Unconditionally. But I’m not in love. Never have been. Came close once, but I learned my lesson. Allowing it to happen again would mean handing my all over completely. And the person I am cannot allow myself to do that. Not now. Maybe not ever, though I say maybe for good reason.
One day, I’ll experience the sweetest sin. And maybe it will be with Scout and maybe it won’t. Maybe one day we’ll make love and not just fuck. Maybe like and love will grow into in love. At the least, I would have to finish that thought. And I’m not ready to.
For now, I’ll gladly take that fiery look of lust in Scout’s eyes. I’d rather feel desired. And yes, I want to be loved. But as for having someone in love with me? Definitely a scary thought. In love can lead to many things and they’re not always good and happy and comforting. That’s just a leap of faith that I can’t make. In time, maybe. But right now? I can wait on the sweetest sin. I’m happy to commit all those other not-quite-there ones.
Does this make me selfish? I give all the time. I listen and help and put others ahead of myself constantly. It's what I do for those I love. So pardon me if I keep the in love type of love to myself and stubbornly refuse to share that part of myself with the rest of the world. And one day l might decide that I am ready to open myself to something more and it will be good – better than anything else out there. Then again, maybe I’ll see that I have always been right. Sound jaded? That’s cause I am. I’ve been hurt enough to keep myself safely guarded with walls more formidable than China’s great one. And while it has, at times, caused… issues, they haven’t with Scout.
See, I know that Scout isn’t in love with me (just really, really in like with me) I know I am not hurting my baby. Those feelings aren’t there. And if feelings do grow beyond what they are now, then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to follow suite and give myself permission (after I hunt down the courage) to let someone in deeper than anyone else have ever been permitted.
And if not, than I simply continue enjoying the sins the two of us commit. And for me and who I am and where I stand, that keeps me wonderfully content. As of this moment, I’m not going anywhere and am not looking to change what we have (except for more time sinning, of course). I think… no, I believe that it is enough. Maybe I don’t know any better but, for me, its true.
For now, the sweetest sin can remain a fairy tale.