​Daniel Tepfer recently wrote about a teacher who did very bad things to a student in the name of her disgusting desires. When I saw his piece on CTPost.com, I was most bothered by the incredibly dangerous headline when it played down the seriousness of the crime by using “sex” instead of “abuse” or “rape” to describe it. Sadly, I want all that surprised as Mr. Tepfer isn’t the only person out there under the delusion that boys can, and are, raped and that just because the villain of the piece is a woman doesn’t mean that rape is any less wrong, painful or traumatizing. The victim was forced to perform these acts against his will yet based on various headlines about this and many other cases, it must be okay for a twelve-year-old boy to be used like a sex toy. 

Rape is a serious issue and the age and gender should have no bearing on how the parties involved are treated by the criminal justice system and public opinion but that is rarely the case. There’s a disturbing trend of calling boys “bitches” and “fags” when they dare to speak out about the abuse they suffered, especially when the abuser has a pair of boobs. Consider how angry people are when a man sexually assaults a boy; you never hear the end of it even after the abuser is dead but when a woman does the same, she and her victim are interviewed by Barbara Walters twenty years later and barely a peep is made about the obvious psychological damage he’s suffered due to what she did to him time and time again.

There’s this idea that no matter what a boy’s age, he always wants to put his penis is something – anything! – so it’s impossible for a woman to rape him. And news reports reflect this attitude with opening paragraphs that make it seem like no big deal: [Michelle Sulzicki’s] husband, parents and in-laws sitting behind her, a former Stratford elementary school teacher was sentenced Friday to two years in prison for having a 2-year-sexual affair with a 12-year-old boy.

That opening line from the Connecticut Post article shied away from using the proper word when describing what happened – and continued to do so as the article went along – while it’s plain to see that it does indeed fall under the definition of rape. He was twelve. She was over eighteen. That’s rape. And not just statutory rape, either, as the article later points out: [t]hey said the boy told them that the first time he did not wear a condom Sulzicki “forced him to have sex with her,” the arrest warrant affidavit states. Of course, the newspaper ignored that whole forced him part by following up with  [o]ver the next two years the boy said he had sex with Sulzicki up to 20 times, the affidavit states.
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No. She raped him up to twenty times. Raped. Even if he eventually relented and “gave” consent, under the law he can’t and that consent very well could’ve been coerced. He’s a minor. A twelve-year-old minor. She was in a position of authority. One cannot have sex with a minor. A teacher cannot even have sex with an eighteen-year-old student because of their position of authority. If one does things that two consenting adults would consider sex, one had raped a minor and if a student and a teacher do the same, even if the law doesn’t forbid it, is ethically wrong.

​IT’S NOT RAPE WHEN THE VICTIM HAS A PENIS

There’s a stigma attached to boys who are sexually assaulted, and that stigma is even worse when the rapist is a woman. Comments like “where was she when I was a kid” and “that boy’s so lucky” run amok while men who think it makes them cool and shit to claim at a young age they were all worldly about sex mock the child – CHILD! – for daring to feel victimized.

Boys aren’t allowed to say no. They aren’t allowed to not be ready. They aren’t allowed to be defended and protected from sexual deviants when those deviants have a vagina. Had it been a Catholic priest, it’d be different. After all, there’s something wrong with a boy being penetrated but when he’s forced to do the penetrating, it’s not bad. Hell, once a boy’s been inside a vagina, he’s a man and all others should bow down and be jealous and wish they weren’t still virgins at the ripe old age of fourteen.
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Except boys can and are negatively impacted by sexual activity if it’s unwanted or before he’s prepared. Yes, some boys are ready before others but the assumption should never be “oh, he’s good” because there’s a good chance he isn’t. He might act like he is or even claim he’s already done it but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for perverts like Michelle Sulzicki to take him in any way and definitely not right for anyone to refer to it as sex. It’s rape, people. And we don’t support rape, do we?

SUPPORTING RAPISTS WHEN THE VICTIM HAS A PENIS

By playing down the severity of rape by using less criminal sounding words, you play down the effect rape has on the victim. Imagine how it feels to feel raped and used and dirty and confused and then see what you went through continuously referred to as sex? Sex it good, it’s fun, it’s enjoyable. So then your confusion gets really mind-warping and you start to imagine there’s something wrong with you ‘cause you should’ve enjoyed it, right? Well, maybe you’re not who and what you think you are; maybe those trolls calling you faggot are right and the only reason you didn’t like it is ‘cause you secretly like boys but that can’t be right – those same trolls also claim that gays are bad and stuff – so you wonder if you’re broken and decide there must be something wrong with you and all the damage eventually drives you back into your abuser’s bed and the cycle repeats again except this time the trolls call you out for lying the first time and say that if you were really raped you wouldn’t have gone back for more when she was released on parole. So, really, she’s the victim and you’re a horrible person because of your wicked thoughts and evil penis and silly foolishness.

Sounds crazy? It is, but that’s beside the point. The truth is this sort of thing happens because of toxic masculinity hooks up with rape culture and births jackasses who think it’s a dream come true for someone not even close to understanding their own body to be manipulated and used by a woman society says is trustworthy and deserving of respect because sex makes you a man or some stupidness that has absolutely no basis in reality.

If we want to see actual changes made in the way people view sexual assault, we need those who report these atrocities, to be honest; don’t call something a vile as rape by any word but that one. For those of you who, like Mr.Tepfer, can’t tell when “sex” is the wrong word, here’s Merriam-Webster’s sexist (though valid enough) definition of rape: unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent. Now, this definition could be better – most could, honestly, as far too many have hard-ons for penis in vagina specificity – it clearly states “forcibly … or with a person who is beneath [the age of consent]” so there should’ve been zero confusion in this case.
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Stop downplaying the effects of sexual assault on boys. Stop pretending like its just sex and stop pretending like he begged for it and only got what he wanted. Treat him, and all rape victims, with the respect they deserve; listen to them, take their story seriously and don’t judge them when they say they didn’t want it. And stop conflating rape and sex.

FOR THE BOYS

If you’ve been the victim of sexual assault or rape, there is help. Don’t be ashamed to speak out and tell someone you trust – a parent, guardian, counselor, cop – that someone made you do things you didn’t want to do. When you do, there will be those immature jackholes who mock and tease you; ignore them, they’re not worth your tears or shame. What was done to you is not your fault and you should never feel bad with reporting such things to the proper authorities. It is your body and no one can tell you who can touch it or that you’re somehow wrong for not letting them; it’s called bodily autonomy.

If there’s no one around you feel safe speaking to face to face, there are organizations you can contact for support; in the US call RAINN: 1-800-656-HOPE; in the UK visit Rape Crisis or call Male Rape Support Association: 07932 898274; in Australia call Mensline: 1300789978; in Canada call Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868. For other countries, simply google “rape counseling.” No matter how deep you think you’ve fallen, you’re not beyond hope. If you reach out, you will find someone willing to help you. Don’t give up. You are not alone. You are never alone.