Oh, the joys and wonders a lover on the down-low can bring. All the fuck, none of the fuss. But only if you do the wrong thing the right way. If you're here, than obviously you have decided to spread you legs and fly. By now, you should also know who it is you want filling the space you "one and only" should be filling. So, how do you go about getting your hooks into the one you find your self masturbating over?
Well, this here's the tricky part, depending on whose world it is you've decided to rock. If you're going for Stranger Sex, than its only a matter of inviting them away from some naughty bit filled fun. Bars, clubs and AA meetings are the places to find some nameless sex with people as horny and/or frustrated as you. Just be aware of the dangers involved in anonymous sexy time; be extra smart when banging unknowns.
Now for the tougher ones.
Friend Flings are great because you know each other (and if you're close enough, each others' sexual history) and are all ready comfortable being yourselves. But what if your friend is friends with your spouse? See the uh-oh moment barrelling towards you? Just heed my words and you'll never need to worry about ducking for cover.
Blackmail. The sweetest word in the English language. But how can I blackmail someone when I'm doing wrong? Fuck the friend with just as much to lose as you. That way, if your Friday Night Delight will never try to ruin your life (unless their completely bonkers and don't care about their own shit, in which case, DO NOT FUCK THIS DOUCHBAG!!).
Of course, if the friend you fuck is not your significant other's biggest fan, than there should be no need for blackmail, as long as their intentions don't include breaking up you quasi-happy home. Yes, DOUCHBAG alert. Not even under extreme circumstances should you slap and tickle this double crosser unless psychotically prepared with enough dirt to crush them into talcum powder.
Relatives? Eww, you are gross and disgusting. Here's a razor. No need to go all Emo and cut too deep; just guarantee the world will never suffer your (most likely) inbred offspring. Sick fuck.
So, now that you have that lucky piece of ass in your cross-hairs, how do you present you ass for plowing? Stranger Sex was covered. Scroll up and see the ease with which you can have some no-name nookie in no time. As for Friend Flings, begin by letting free some minor complaints about you bedroom banter pay attention to responses beyond the typical friendly (but not too friendly to your at home love toy) ear.
Oh really? No orgasm in how long? Maybe you should find someone who'd make you cum. Okay, so that last one is the least likely line, but still does happen, especially with Sexually Frustrated Friend. They feel your pain and can't wait to relive themselves all over someone's back, front, face. And slowly, over a couple of nights of drinking, you try and pull from them the offer to sneak off for a sweaty game on hide the sausage. Take it slow here, people. This is a very risky part of the Road to Whoredom and is not to be rushed, even by Titanium-Level whores.
A slow pace is key. After all, you won't miss anything by not rushing through the preliminaries. In time, as you keep dropping those hints (and if you can't flirt, that's a whole other column, people) there will come that point where your horny friend will make it clear what their intentions are.
Than, of course, there is the friend you and your spouse share. This one is equally friend-like no matter which one of you happens to be bitching about everything under the goddamn sun. How do you approach this object of masturbation without them running straight to your soul mate with tails of extramarital debauchery?
You gotta win 'em over. Use the Dark Side of the force, for cripe's sake! This involves a non-stop barrage of sappy, tear-filled (or at least tear-stained) nights of woe is me my life sucks my baby hates me everything I do is shit I have no life I am depressed my (sexual organ) is ignored god I need to get fucked nasty hardcore.
Yes, I am saying you must manipulate someone who trusts you. Fucked up? Well, yea, it is. How badly do you want that porn star screw again? You are not the hero of this story-line as it is. What's another sin, eh? After all, you've all ready decided to cheat; how much worse is this? I mean really now.
In time, you will have turned that shared friend against your other half and can begin sinking your claws inside. You dirty fuck... I'm so proud. So go and begin down the road to the right fling's bed but don't move beyond the initial agreement to sleep together until you come back here for you next lesson in adultery. After all, choosing the wrong place and time for that happy-making slap and tickle can be just as destructive as choosing the wrong person to be slapped and tickled by.