Ah, infidelity. What word can destroy a decades old love story quicker that that one? There is none. So, why do we cheat on the ones we love? Well, there are more reasons than there are dicks in a Kardashian twat. And really, who gives a shit why? The important question is... how so we keep our indiscretions from exposure to the light of day?
Welcome the Guide to Adultery (Part I). If your significant other is nearby, I suggest you leave now. You've been warned. Any nasty fights that occur are not my fault. But you can thank me for the hot make up sex later.
Before we begin, we should define cheating. Is it an innocent kiss? Or would naughty bits have to be involved? Can getting a bit o' wood during a too tight embrace constitute adultery? For the sake of simplicity, lets go with all the fun times that occur from the tongue dance onward.Anything prior is just boring middle school bullshit anyways.
Now, the first step in having a successful affair is deciding to have one. You'd think that'd be a duh obvious but remember (this is important) not everyone is made for this special degree of whoredom. While there are those like me who have no problem sharing my talents with the world, some people feel this strange thing called guilt. Useless emotion, I say, but hey, I'm just a whore.
When weighing the pros and cons of straying, you have to accept first and foremost that you may get caught and lose the one you're straying from. Would that be a bad thing? No, really, I'm asking. You have your reasons for wanting another partner (or five) while still desiring to keep the singular bed buddy you all ready have. So, will losing them (if they caught you red assed) be a killing blow? And more importantly... would you care? What if your family and friends find out? Will the possibility of being the town pariah be a bad thing? Do you worry about losing more than your sweetie?
Can you accept the fact that someone other than yourself may be hurt by your actions? Can you fuck you brains dead without feeling like its wrong and dirty (unless, of course, you're into that)? Is there any part of you feeling unclean just for reading this?
And don't forget surprise babies.
Okay, seriously, why the fuck are you still reading this then?
Those still with me, I'm going to assume, are interested in having some hot, nasty, multi-orgasmic sex with someone other than the day in, day out giver of sex you find yourself committed to. Congratulations and welcome to the not-so-exclusive club. Your Neophyte Nymphomaniac Card should show up in six to eight weeks.
You've made your choice. Now onto business...
The next step in a successful affair is to choose the right person to get jiggy with. Do you go for a stranger, good friend or relative (of your lover, of course. Unless your an aspiring Jerry Springer guest; in that case, enjoy your time with Grandma.)
Option number one is a stranger. Someone you met at, say, Mcdonalds or Dunkin Donuts. You've never seen them before but find you lower parts twingling. You figure, what the hell, I've all ready decided to slap skins with someone new, so why not this person?
A stranger can be good for the keeping it a secret portion, but there are a number of unknowns associated with stranger sex. First off, sexual health. Yes, even for an unrepentant whore like myself, a clean hook up is important.Yes, condoms exist (thank Aphrodite) so most of us don't really think about AIDS or the funny syphilis. But you should. And while I'd never say no to a hot piece of unfamiliar ass, you may not feel the same way.
A good friend can be just as risky, though.Especially if they're as good of friends with the one you're cheating on.While you may not feel bad (good for you) the friend you chitty chitty bang bang might feel their inner Jiminy Cricket bitch-slap them across the back of the head. And guilt leads to blurting out the naked truth. And poof! No more nookie for cookie. You're always better off with a personal best friend-type (preferably one who hates who you're with) when choosing from this category.
How about an acquaintance (like a co-worker)? With this choice, you have some you know (and maybe even trust) that your other half may have never met. Who could ask for more? Safe, reliable and with no connection (other than you) to the sucker who shares your bed.
And relatives? Shit, I ain't going near that one. That's sick fuck territory. Gross. Go away. But what about their relative? Fucking you girlfriend's younger brother is just a stupid move. Take that chance if you want but when (not if) you get caught... That's why you should never come between siblings (or any other familial relation) unless asked to.
So, there are the two basic choices. Choose wisely and come back when your ready to move on to the next lesson.