It's become one of those nights, kiddies. You know the kind I'm talking about, I'm sure. The kind where you look back on days past and remember some things you never actually forget. Well, that's what I get for reminiscing to 90's music all night.
See, there are certain songs that bring me back to a certain person (anyone want to guess who that is?) and tonight, after listening to a wealth of good music, I stumbled upon Jo Dee Messina's If Heaven Was Needing a Hero. Damn fine song, I must say, but one that brigs up the same old feelings that forever simmer just under the surface.
I still miss Angel. That'll never change... at least, I hope it never does. Cause really, aren't some people worth never forgetting? I should have known a night like this was coming soon; its been a while since I've spent some time with yesterday and feeling that little pull in that heart-shaped black hole of mine.
I never cease to be amazed by the memories that surface during nights like this. The most random, ridiculous shit that at the time we experienced it didn't seem so, well, memorable. Like sneaking into Washington Park pool for, like, the billionth time or chasing down that goddamned runaway ice cream truck (considering how often he just flew by its a wonder he made enough just for the gas he burned) to throwing pebbled onto the multi-lane exit during rush hour (stop judging). These things were once eh, fun times but since the night of less than ideal have taken on a whole new meaning. The final piece that connects us. And I like that. I like that I still feel something over the good bye without proper good byes.
The only shitty parts about all these happy little memories? Knowing that they're it. There won't be any more. And memories, like anything else, can fray and fade and become blurry object on the horizon. Talk about your fucked up fate. I think that's why I write about it so often. It's a way to keep it... alive. Its almost like, as long as I can remember the small stuff, he's still here. The big stuff, well, that's ingrained and not going anywhere. Yea, there were relationship-defining biggies but the true moments that made us what we were were those small, unassuming moments. The things just between the two of us.
There are people who come into your life and completely change everything. Angel was one of those people. I know, I know, I've said all this before. And maybe y'all are sick of hearing it, but ranting about shit is what I do, remember? Seriously, though, those people who make things better, hold onto them. Really hold on. Me and Angel, we were lucky. No matter the distance, we were good, we were tight. There was were moments where murder in the first was highly probable but it never came to that.
Who knew, eh? Who knew that there would be an end? I didn't. Some nights, I still don't. Momentary lapse of reality: great for that split second, sucks once it passes. I haven't had one recently, mostly because reality's been right in my face and I don't have free moments to go off into lala land and imagine a better now and I'm glad for that. After all, that whole one more day thing? Bullshit. There's no way one more day, night, week, month or year would be enough for me. And that's what those lapses are like. Ugly reminders of what's gone.
I'll take those memories, big and small, sharp and blurry, any day. I love those heart-string plucking motherfuckers. It hurts, yea, but in a good way. It feels good to take some time and remember all that good shit (and the bad shit) and just smile. I get to remember so much that no one else knows, like special little secrets that we shared. I get to remember that I was a good friend to a good friend. I get to remember that differences of a life-sized scale were made. Who could ask for anything more?
I don't know if there's something beyond or if the atheists are right and we just poof into nothing. No offense, dudes, but I hope you're wrong. Because if there is some great beyond, one, I'll most likely end up in the warmer choice and two, I might catch a glimpse of Angel before Saint Peter calls for the express elevator to Hell.