No one ever said this would be easy. Hell, no one ever said much at all about it. But while at one time it was all a massive black hole sucking the happy from the world, it's not as bad as it used to be. Yea, there are times where those cold, angry shadows show up but their really not that bad now. Those dreams still come calling and trick me into believing that you never went away but each morning I wake up and realize I was lied to. And that's alright with me. See, I like those dreams. They're created from memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.
There isn't a day that passes that my thoughts don't sail back in time. It's not the all-consuming, life-filling activity it was in the beginning. It's more of a reminder of how blessed I was to know someone like that. Those times spent remembering also remind me that I still have people in my life that mean just as much. Small consolation, you say? Then, my friend, you don't know what's missing in your life.
All the garbage is being dragged to the street. Lots of so-called friends have been fired from their comfy positions in my life because as I move forward from losing one of the best ones. I've seen how many people I've allowed in are no more than blood-sucking leeches. And why the fuck do I want that kind of malarkey in my house?
Now, you may have realized that their are certain names no longer being dropped here. And there's good reasons for each one's eviction. I don't want their special-ed kind of drama around me. Especially when they can't spare a god damned minute concerned with someone else. If I'm only there to lift you up, then I have no reason to hang around. Don't get me wrong; I'll tear Satan a new piss hole fixing your shit, but the moment I see you not giving a fuck about mine? Well, that's when you'll find out you're not so irreplaceable.
Keeping the good ones, I've found life is so much more... life-like. Those wretched soul sucking one person pity parties really do drain the everything out of you while giving zero reciprocation. Fuck 'em. Those assholes that walk out without so much as a sideways glance only to return on their bellies when the shit splatters all over the fan? Well, where the hell were you when I needed a hand? Oh, that's right; being the you that only you could barely tolerate.
Irreplaceable? Please, I could find a dozen of you cleaning up after the cat.
And don't get me started on those cunt exes. Really? Go to prison for four months then dump me? Have you got that totally ass backwards.
Who knew there was still so much vent in me.
I want you to do something. Yea, you. I want you to look around your life and really see who's there. And not there in a we needed a body sort of way. Who can you count on? Who're your irreplaceables? Are you as good to them as they are to you? If you are, congratulations, you are awesome. If not... Well, just how long till they realize you suck and throw you out the door or window or moving vehicle?
Going back to Angel...
There, right there, was my first irreplaceable. The first person I met that I knew I could always count on. And some asshole gang-banger changed all that because the fool couldn't aim a fucking gun. But you know what? Angel's still here (sometimes in a haunting me fashion where I want to hibernate for six or so months). I can feel it, like the wind or rain or sun. It's something palpable. A reminder that not everyone is useless and using and only there for their own selfish reasons. I don't want to lose that like I did the soul who first opened my eyes to what a real friend is. So I keep it locked up with the other fond memories I have of people long gone and think of what I gained instead of what I lost.
After all, in the end, when there's nothing left of the dark of night, it's the memories that are irreplaceable. Once we lose those, there's nothing left.