Last night, out of nowhere, turned into one of those nights. You know, where you find yourself on YouTube listening to the songs that remind of less-than-happy days? Most of you probably do and I'm sorry. And for those few who don't... fuck, you're lucky. Warning: this is about Angel so if you're sick of hearing about him, you should probably turn away now. I'll understand, really.
As my longtime Stalkers know, back in 2010 (April 29th to be precise), Angel died. Ands since then, I've had those nights where I find myself wishing for one more day. That's a very dangerous wish because as the song says, you'll always be wishing for one more day. So instead of wishing for more, I remember what was.
I remember those special times that only the two of us truly appreciated; the times where the world falls away and you wish moments could be frozen in time. Again, its another silly and dangerous wish but those times make the warmest memories.
Sometimes, though, those memories lead to other, less happy thoughts. Like wishing (and this one's not stupid) I could have said good bye. I know that death can be sudden and we can't always get the last chance to say the things that really should be said all the time (and they were) but what I'm talking about is the good byes you say after they're gone. Where you let the grief rush over you. I hear normal people do this. It's called crying.
I still haven't done that. It's not because I don't want to; quite the opposite. I want to give him the proper send off. The kind you give someone you miss. But that part of me is still being repaired. Some days I feel guilty, some I don't. But the desire to say good bye is there, waiting to come out. Last night, as I was perusing the kind of songs that show up in Beaches, I wondered if it ever would and, if it doesn't, would that be something offensive?
Angel knew me well, better than most, so he knew I was never one for a lot of emotional show. I've always been more of a ranter. When something happens that should bring an emotional response out of me, I go on a tangent and everything that needs to release comes flying out a mile a minute. And I have ranted on here a few times (so many, that some of you may tired of reading about it).
Sometimes, I just want to blank out and that's what the music does. Listening to songs about remembering and missing and wanting him back on nights (that are less frequent) when I really want to hear his voice on the phone. Weird, isn't it, the things you miss when they're no longer around. Two a.m. phone calls anyone?
There's a few songs, like You Were Just Here by Jo Dee Messina, that likes to wrap their misery laden fingers around my heart and pluck at those damn strings. Its a simple song made all too real by her amazing voice. That one drags me back to the night I found out he was gone. Mariah Carey's Bye Bye is another one, but at least there's a bit of hope in that one.
I sang that one, after Angel died. I was out with Duck and Goose and we were out for karaoke. Yes, I still sing in public after being booted off American Idol (not even Simon could kill that for me). Anyways, I saw the song in the catalog and decided what the fuck. If I fail, at least it'll be epic. And I sang my heart out. It felt so good to get all that sadness out. Still didn't cry but, damn, don't think I've ever sang anything so emotionally - raw emotion - in my life. It helped, just a fuck-ton. FOr the rest of the night I had an extra bit of emptiness inside but it wasn't the kind that kills. It was the kind that reminds that I had been blessed to know someone so worthy of being missed. In a way, it was a good kind of sad.
Oh, and it killed. Everyone loved it and that also made me feel real good. Wish we had recorded it...
Anyways, back to Angel...
I never took him for granted, I know that. I never kept the truth from him no matter how ugly it was. I never turned him away when he needed me. And while I miss him, and always will, I can't seem to let out the tears I know are in there somewhere. But I know he knew me well enough to know why that is. He knew before I did but waited for me to discover that on my own. I did, eventually (not fun. by the way, finding out why something is broken) and am still just as broken. So maybe there will be a day when it comes out and maybe there won't. Until then (or not), I have my songs that act as the soundtrack to my strolls down memory lane.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go remember things now.