Every good Christian boy knows there are certain things you just don't do and when your raised by Evangelical parents, that list is even longer. But what happens when you and the faith you've been raised in are incompatible? Will you disregard all you've learned or fight to hide the real you? For best friends Jacob and Jamie, this question weighs heavily on them as they navigate the confusing and often frightening path of adolescence and emerging sexuality...
Jamie Higgins woke to the high pitched screech of his much despised alarm clock. He wanted to throw it against the wall but ignored that fiery urge as he didn’t want to be on the receiving end of yet another father-talk about taking care of his things. Instead of smashing it to itty bitty bits he reached out and gently tapped the SILENCE button before taking out his frustrations by kicking his down comforter off the bed. At least it’s finally Friday, he mused as he pushed himself up and to the edge of his full sized bed.
The wood floor was cold beneath his bare feet as he staggered to collect his school clothes; beige khakis, a light blue button down shirt and blue and white plaid tie. He hated his uniform but Saint Joseph’s Preparatory School for Boys’ only other option, a blue polo shirt Jamie hated less, was, according to his parents, unacceptable for a young man with a future. If they only knew. The education offered at the prestigious prep school was one of the best in the state but was anti-individualism. Some students, like his best friend Jacob, pushed the boundaries of the dress code as far as they could before the faculty squashed their mini-rebellion.
Though he would’ve preferred the local public school, Jamie’s parents insisted he attend the highly regimented private school; they believed Saint Joseph’s offered the highest quality education with Christian teachings at the heart of every class. He knew arguing with them would be pointless as good Christian boys did as they were told and never even dreamed of talking back; even the appearance of resistance to any parental demand was swiftly met with harsh discipline that any reasonable person would consider child abuse. He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes was his father’s preferred proverb to quote during those beating he claimed would shape him into a proper, God-fearing man. If he were right, Jamie would be end up the perfect adult.
He sometimes imagined what his life would’ve been like had he been born into Jacob’s family; the McCoy’s were far more liberal minded, at least as far as their little closed community would allow. They didn’t tear him as harshly and allowed certain liberties in their home though Jamie wondered how they would react if they knew the extra liberties Jacob took when they were away.
If he’d been born a McCoy instead of a Hayden, Jamie knew he’d have grown up less shy and awkward and afraid of his own thoughts and feelings – some of them, at least. He might’ve discovered a talent for art or performance and though he’d still have his dark secret he thought he’d be strong enough to crush the impure things he often fantasized about. Perhaps he could’ve dealt better with being a sodomite if only he’d been raised differently.
As he stepped under the steaming hot shower he wished he could wash away the sin of his weak manhood and allow the shame to run down the drain. Nobody knew his disgusting secret, not even Jacob who knew everything else there was to know about him, even things his older brother was privy to and they shared a bedroom.
It was one thing to be attracted to other boys but the hardest part was how the blood rushed to his sensitive parts whenever he was too close to boys in various stages of undress like the locker room or community pool. If Jacob was around, it was worse; even a flash of his smooth belly was enough to stiffen his flesh and twist his stomach. The summer spent together, almost every day at the pool was a nightmare; the sight of Jacob’s slick, wet flesh caused an almost permanent erection and those weren’t easy to hide in low hanging swim shorts. He tried his best to divert his eyes, especially in the changing room but it was as if Jacob’s body called out to him and every time he’d chance a look and his gaze would linger over the sparse dark hairs that’d suddenly appeared between his friend’s legs.
Thinking about Jacob, that part of him, brought a gasp from him and, with his forehead pressed against the shower wall, Jamie reached down and clutched his eager flesh.
For a short time, he forgot the shame he was supposed to feel as he worked himself with one hand while the other found the tender spot behind. He imaged it was Jacob inside of him and that filthy image curled his toes, bucked his body and, with his tongue crushed between his teeth to keep the moan inaudible, he was pushed over the edge and shot his sticky mess all over the wall. He took a step back and stared at that mess as a voice in his head called him all the nasty names he knew too well; faggot, pervert, sicko, sinner.
That was the cruelest word he could imagine; sinner. It meant he wasn’t worthy of Heaven or God’s love; if he couldn’t fix himself and become a real boy, he was doomed to spend eternity with the other unworthy souls in Hell. He didn’t want to go to Hell, he didn’t want to be a faggot; he wanted to be a good Christian boy and become a good Christian man and make his mother and father and brother proud. If anyone found out, he’d become a pariah and feared even Jacob would turn away.
The need to wash away his shame pushed him forward and he slid into the wall and was knocked back; he dropped out and let out a yelp when his lower back wacked against the edge of the tub. Within seconds, his mother was at the door to jiggle the handle and call for him.
“Are you okay, honey?”
“Uh, yeah, mom, I… I’m okay.”
“Okay… be careful, sweetie; we don’t want you getting hurt. And why is this door locked? We’ve talked about this; I’ve warned you you’d fall and now I have no way to help you if you got seriously hurt.” The disapproval in her tone cut through him but it was better than her walking in to see him with a still partial erection and semen on the wall; masturbation was but one of his many sins.
“I’m thirteen, mom; I’d prefer you not see me naked.” That old argument never worked and he knew his father would most likely “discipline” him later but no matter what anyone claimed, his penis, his body, his decision who sees what. “I’d like some privacy.”
“Nobody says the door needs to be open and no one will just walk in on you.”
“Jared did, like, a lot before.”
“Jared’s you’re brother, dear; you two are practically identical so I doubt you’ve anything he doesn’t. Anyway, your father and I have told you before to keep this door unlocked and we expect you to do as we say.”
“Okay, mom.” He hoped she’d forget or that he’d be smart enough to not fall again so she didn’t have any reason to try the knob. Though she was right about his brother – he was only a year older and not much further into puberty – he still didn’t want him to see him in the shower. Sharing a room with him was once thing but bathroom time was supposed to be a solitary activity, especially when orgasms were concerned.
“Alright, honey; breakfast is waiting so be quick if you don’t want cold pancakes this morning.”
“Okay.” He turned back to his mess after he climbed back to his feet and wiped it away and wished he could do the same to his perversion. If only cleaning my soul was as easy as my body.
- - - -
Jacob writhed through a yawn as heavy metal blasted from his iPod dock to let him know it was time to get ready for school. As he twisted and turned to stretch out the kinks from the previous night his eyes fell on the pretty girl – actually, woman, considering she was about a decade his senior – awake and smiling beside him. He reached over and ran his fingers down her back till he reached her plump behind. She giggled like a school girl and turned onto her side.
“If I’d known high school boys were so adventurous I’d have broken felonies years ago.” She brushed his messy curly hair from his face; her soft touch sent chills down his spine and increased his already painful morning erection.
“That’s not fair, Tess; you can’t leave me like this.” He thrust his hips forward. “You should deal with this before you go.”
“Sorry, dear, no time.” She rolled away and Jacob reached out and wrapped his arms around her waist. She rubbed against him and smiled devilishly.
“C’mon, you need a release, too.” He slipped a hand between her legs and grabbed her throbbing erection. “Should I be crying that a girl’s got a bigger dick than I do?”
“Don’t worry, kid, I’m sure you’ll hit a growth spurt.” She wiggled out of his grasp and slipped off the bed. “Plus, with some practice, a short stick won’t even matter.”
- - - -
After Tess left without easing him of his burden, Jacob rushed to shower and dress for school. He didn’t have time to take care of himself but figured he’d find some time between classes for a quick wank in the lavatory and if he got lucky, he might even get lucky; Tess wasn’t the first person with a penis he’d been with and plenty of the Saint Joseph boys could make the same claim. If only I could tell Jamie about it but with his fundie parents, he probably hates anyone not straight. Then again, my parents would freak the fuck out too if they knew about me. Shit, man, it'd be nice to talk to him about this but whatever...
It bothered him to keep such a big part of himself from his best friend but decided when he realized he wasn’t the way he was supposed to be, according to his church, that it would be safer to not tell anyone he didn’t sleep with, including Jamie. He checked his phone and saw he only had a few minutes to leave and not be late for homeroom so after a quick check in the mirror to make sure his hair was perfectly bed headish, he dashed out the door without grabbing the lunch his mother had packed before heading with his father to Las Vegas for the opening of some new gothic hotel they’d invested in.
- TO BE CONTINUED -