Y'know how some people keep claiming they're really gonna change this time? How everything will be different? How they've even gone so far as to throw the ones that make them so bad out the door? I know a few of them and more than once I've believed the bullshit that spews from their mouths
Should've known better.
Difference this time? I did. I kept my distance (and had no issue with them keeping theirs. I just sat back and waited to see that what I felt, those instincts I've honed over the years, are far too often had disregarded as of late, where spot the fuck on. Now I know that forgiveness is good for the soul and all, but when you're slithering back into the situation you blamed for your bad behavior, why would I bother saying Its okay? We'll just see a repeat in a few weeks, and I really don't like encores of bad episodes.
There is a line that must be drawn in the sand, dividing me from you (if you're unlucky enough to be not allowed anywhere near me) once the shit piles up so high I can't see the top. the past is quickly fading into the distance of all that was and never will be again, so please, stay in you miserable black hole existence and leave mine alone.
And please, don't try to explain this one away. I'm good with all that mumbo jumbo waste of my time crap that your forked tongue is so used to claiming,
See, while I love unconditionally those who earn my better emotions, I can hate just as well. Strong, hard and without concern for my own well-being. I'll track down anyone who hurts you till the ends of eternity to repay their kindness. So imagine what lengths I'll go when someone in my circle is stupid enough to betray me.
I don't break easy, but there is one part of me that will shatter. Even an ice cold diamond has its flaws. And this one's is trust, or rather, the breaking of trust.
Trust is the one thing that, if lost, can never truly be restored. There is always that sense of doubt hanging in the air just a few steps behind. Like a bad lawyer joke says, if your lips are moving, you're lying. And that feeling, while fightable, can never truly be beaten back to the abyss from whence it came. Sometimes, it can be resisted, if enough evidence is presented that one really is a whole new model, but how often does that actually happen?
Look around you carefully and see, really see, the people in your life. Now ask yourself Am I the person they deserve? Do I do right by them? If I lost them, what would be missing from my life? Hurry now, there may not be much time left to make those changes you've been promising and failing to deliver.
Uh oh, they're gone. Ya done fucked up again. And this time, there is no going back. Why? They learned. It took a lot of work on your part, but you finally got them to throw in the towel. Proud of yourself?
Now onto the wronged parties. Look at that person who brings you down. They worth it? They add anything even remotely good to your life? Would you be better off without them? They ever let you down so bad you thought you'd never climb your way back up?
As much as you know you need them gone, its not that easy to say good bye, is it? We let people in for a reason and when that reason is broken into billions of pieces, what are we left with? A broken word? A broken promise? A broken trust? Worst, a broken heart. A sense that nothing is right in the world because one person twisted you up and wrung you out. Made you realize that those you love most deeply are the ones that, in the end, will hurt you the hardest. Then what happens? You begin to doubt. Everybody. You push people away out of fear they're just gonna crush you, too. You turn a blind eye to those who could make you happy because, eventually, you're fucked seven ways from Sunday. In the not fun way.
That climb back to who you were is hell, but you know you'll make it anyway. You'll fight every urge to turn tail and run. You'll even be a better, stronger person for it.
And when that lousy fuck for brains comes slithering back full of promises of a better tomorrow, what are you going to do? Yea, that person may be someone who means the world to you, that you'd defend no matter what the costs and go down fighting their battles, all with a smile on your face, even after all the hell they've put you through.
But in the end, the decision to stay or leave could make all the difference in the world. Think on that long and hard, and decide if you can take one more, two more, infinity more times you feel you insides crushed by the uncaring actions of someone who has earned your trust and smashed it like a cheap vase.
I know what I did. And it wasn't easy. But its done. After so long, I finally found a way to swallow the pain all ready there and steel myself for the pain I knew would come.
There's only the ghost of me left behind.