Another year over. What a nice feeling. A chance to bury all the bullshit of the past twelve months and set your sights on the four seasons on the horizon. Also a time for some quiet (and maybe not so quiet) reflection, if you’re into that sort of thing. Normally I don’t bother retracing my steps, but there are certain things that have yet to be said, at least in a point blank sort of way. So where to begin… Why, at the beginning. Duh.
Back on the first of the year, I was in a much different place. While some things were not so great (being out of paying work blows for those of you lucky enough to never experience it) and pretty goddamned good (remember Scout pre-prison?).
Ah, Scout. The high and low points of the year. Being together was good; I was happy, sexually fulfilled and filled with those deep feelings. And then… summer hit and I was suddenly cast aside due to a complicated life. Freedom, jail, freedom. What the fuck is so complicated about that? Now, had my indiscretions been unearthed then, I would have understood the break up. But those secrets were well kept and, at that time, were planned to be kept nicely unwraps.
And as an aside, I feel no guilt over sharing the lust. With my one and only off where I could get no fun time, its not like I was getting any at home. Call me a whore if you want to, but I’ll only take it as a compliment.
After the end, I felt something missing. So that night, I filled it with booze. Ended up being a pretty good night after all. The following days and nights, while my mind kept traveling back to those nights spent with Scout, I forced myself to continue forward. I’ve never needed anyone to make me feel complete and once again I was determined to prove it. I put on the unbroken façade, but in truth, I was very much in pieces. And as my history has shown time and again, I found my solace in the company of strangers; those nameless ones who shed their cloths and give their bodies over to the pursuit of hay-making orgasms.
Not the worst summer ever, to be truthful, but not the one I had planned on having. But Scout was out of my life. What else could I do?
Something else happened the day Scout went away. “friend” came back. Kind of. While the I’m sorry’s fell more times than I could bother to count, the intent never seems to have reared its head. That one is still a bit of a mystery. The claims that he was only back because he missed me still ring false and the total absence of him backs up my suspicions. I don’t have the time or desire to chase old ties. Here or gone. Simple choice.
The initial message came as a smack. Doubled by the break up one I had read seconds prior. (I was shit-faced before this day ended; any questions why?). A small, tiny, itty-bitty part of me cracked a smile. I thought, albeit briefly and against my will, that things would be fixed and made better between us. The rest of me called bullshit.
Which side do you think was right?
I’m not angry about it. I accepted things were burnt to a crisp done long before the sad attempt at reconciliation. It’s just too bad that things had to turn out the way I predicted. Honestly, I would not have minded being wrong this time.
Two very important people are out of my life (at least, it seems that way so I’ve accepted both departures). Every once and a while, there is a feeling that I’d like one or both back around, but we can’t go dwelling on the past. We can only move forward. And that’s the truth I want to get to: once something is done, it’s done. The past should be left to rest in piece(s). The here and now and the tomorrow waiting to come are what’s important. The people surrounding you and the ones you have yet to meet are the ones worth you thoughts. The ones who jumped ship are not who need to be remembered, no matter how much (or little) space in your memory you want to give them.
Don’t make missing them any easier though, now does it?