Every so often, there are nights where the less-loved emotions course through these veins of mine. Memories of times gone by and people no longer here come to the forefront and I find myself... missing what can never be found again. At least, not for a very long time. Its nights like these that I find my solace in music, but that solace is not really a cure. No, its more like a bandage that will eventually fall away and need to be replaced.
I won't say its necessarily a bad thing to have those moments of wishing someone gone was back and smiling and laughing and spending just one more night. To gave things as they were would be a heart-mending occasion. But as the song says it'd leave me wishing still, for one more day with you. And that would be too much to bear, don't you think?
Yea, I still miss Angel. And as much as I would love to hear his voice again, it would only remind me of what was lost (as if I could actually forget something like that). After all, with memories as burned into my mind as the ones I have of him, thoughts drifting back to the nights I'd get those two am calls will be with me until the end.
And a part of me is happy with that knowledge. Yes, he gone, but not completely. While some nights may feel like a haunting, most are just made up of moments I never want to forget. Like the time we sneaked into the public pool in the middle of the day and had to keep hiding from the old guy who collected the money at the door. When he finally saw us... we'd never run so damn fast. Or the night we smuggled R rated horror movies into his room and fought the urge to cover our eyes during the really gruesome part.or my favorite... teaching him to dance so he didn't embarrass himself at his friend's wedding. So many things come to mind when I think back on those days. Even the little things, what we did every day. are memories worth cherishing.
Unfortunately, mixed in with all the good, is the hardest memory of all. As much as I'd like to, I can never forget the night I got the call. I'd never thought about receiving one like it. I mean, who thinks about that sort of thing? Oh, and by the way, your oldest friend just dropped. No, that's not how I was told; there was more compassion in the message. But that's what I took away from it, when reality began to move again and that ice-cold numb faded.
Gone. For good. As in, never coming back. It was so... permanent.
But you know what? After a time (and quite a bit of whoring) I began to feel again. I was slowly coming back to me. Because falling down is one thing. Staying down, as easy as it is, was not the way to be. Angel lived. And to honor his memory, I decided to reclaim myself and push through.
And here I am.
And in a way, so is he. He's here through the lives he touched while he still had breath in his lungs. He's here in the shared memories those who knew and loved... no, love him have and reminisce over.
There is one things that still pulls at me though. Even the night I was told, not a tear was shed. Oh, I wanted to. I longed for the tears to fall. Its what I was suppose to do, wasn't it? People cry when people die, right? But I didn't. And for a long time I felt guilty (and for the record, guilt is not an emotion I am familiar with).
And I often wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't cry for some like Angel.
And than, not to ling ago, I had this dream. I was surrounded by faces from my past and they all demanded to know why I hadn't broken down. I searched for an answer that would not only appease them, but also appease my guilt. I had none. Than I heard his voice. And I almost believed he was right there beside me again.
You're strong. You've spent your life fighting everyone's battles and lifting up all the people who can't stand on their own. You don't cry because you don't have the time.
I realized then that it wasn't that I didn't miss him like hell. And as his voice faded away, my dream changed to the day he actually spoke those words to me. He was right than, and he was right on this night.I don't allow myself to fall apart because I'm always too concerned with picking up other peoples' pieces. And for the first time, I didn't feel like I failed him.
There are still time I think, if I had only known... but how could I? Still, there are so many things I would have said all over again. There are so many nights I would have paused, just to savor the moment. Saying goodbye is not only hard, its impossible. But there is no undoing what had been done. We just need to keep moving forward and not let loss allow us to lose who we are.
I'm sure that not allowing those strong emotions to overtake me in times of great sadness is not the healthy thing to do. But Angel was right. I'm a fighter. I keep going no matter what. I have to. Its my role to play in this life. And I'm not ready to bow out of that responsibility yet.
And so tonight, like those other nights my mind drifts back to thoughts of him, I take comfort in the knowledge that I was the best kind of friend to him I know how to be. He knew that I loved him and would always be there, no matter the distance. So when I close my eyes and allow sleep to take away the stress of the day, I dream of what the future holds and that one day, when I'm old and gray and ready to leave this world, there will be someone happy to see me on the other side.
But that day is far, far from today. And I'm okay with that.
When you step away from here, I hope you'll take just one thing away: the people in your life are precious. Make sure you tell them that. Don't let anyone tell you its wrong to say I love you when you mean it. Realize what you have while you have it. Believe me when I tell you that there will come a day when you'll either be happy you said it, or regret keeping it to yourself. Of all the things I've said to people over the years, telling them how I felt has never been something I've wished to take back.